Growing up I was never the person who dreamt of a wedding, it wasn’t until my last relationship that I even really pictured one. However, I have always had a running list of baby names, because I knew that above all else I was meant to be a mom. Unfortunately with the way we grow up society likes to pressure us with these timeline. Timelines for school, college, parenthood, marriage, career, etc. Literally anything they can try to dictate and also make you feel inadequate if you don’t reach the certain milestones that they think you should.
So I always thought that I would be married and have a baby by 25, why? Society. Thinking back now there’s absolutely no fucking way I could’ve had a kid at 25 or gotten married. Not to mention I would not like it if I were married to the person I was dating a 25. And honestly I’m glad it didn’t work out because had it worked out I don’t think that I would be where I am today. I don’t think I would have started my own company, I probably would have stayed working in retail for someone else for the ease of it, the paychecks, the healthcare, etc. I think eventually the bug would have gotten me for my own business. But I just don’t know that it would have turned out the same way.
As the years went on obviously I knew the one thing that was missing was being a mom. And I started realizing that being who I am, being outspoken, bold, loud, unapologetic, and unafraid to say what I feel, takes a special person. Not necessarily their fault, I think I get its that society tells us women should be the inferior ones in a relationship and while there are moments, I refuse to be that always, I’m not some docile creature. I’m quite the fucking opposite haha. I refuse to shrink myself for your comfortability. Which ultimately in having that mindset tends to kind of leave me alone I am and I quickly realize that I was somewhat OK with that.
The not waiting for anyone sort of started with my 30th birthday, nobody to go out of town for my birthday or really do anything, and I didn’t want to wait around. It’s my 30th birthday and I deserve to fucking celebrate! So I ended up going to the Bahamas by myself. It was fucking amazing, I had the best time, I did so much self reflecting, and it was fucking great. And it was sort of the catalyst to push me forward towards this not waiting for people to do what I want in this life and going after it regardless.
Not long after I started thinking about children and what that would look like for me, because obviously and unfortunately my body does have somewhat of a timeline for that. And I wanted that to happen before anything else, I would and will not regret waiting waiting for a relationship, I will however regret waiting and possibly missing out on having my own children. It’s definitely a lot to come to terms with, especially being a Cancer, I am a hopeless romantic and of course there are times where I really wish that I wasn’t doing this alone, but I’m still gonna do it because it’s what I want most out of life. Luckily science makes it possible.
I am very lucky that everybody in my life has been supportive of my choice. My dad said I don’t care how it happened as long as you have a kid. And that’s my thinking too. And you should know by now I would have done it regardless, even if my parents weren't on board with it. Because it’s my life and at the end of all of it I’m the only one on the deathbed and I’m gonna make my choices and live my life for me.
I was determined to do this regardless. I’ve never been one to shy away from what I want and this is just another example. So if you’re out there and you’ve possibly had trouble with relationships or finding someone who can be the person that you want to be with, and you know above all that you want children I obviously highly recommend this route. The minute I decided at 33, I found an OBGYN here, I found a fertility clinic and I started testing to figure out what my options were.
To be continued...