Being a people pleaser is fucking exhausting. You're spending your time making sure that everyone else is happy, taken care of, and constantly putting yourself on the back burner. It's fucking tiring.
People pleasers typically have these traits:
- are overly agreeable
- are conflict-averse
- have difficulty saying no
- are stressed or overwhelmed
- are passive aggressive
- are prone to resentment
- are hasty in taking blame
- have trouble being true to their beliefs
While it seems like it may be your job to make others happy, it simply is not, not even in the slightest.
And by no means am I saying to walk around and be a dick to people. But there's a difference in being there for people, and being a doormat. They also have significantly different effects on your mental health. Putting everyone before yourself can drain your energy, your mental capacity, and your happiness.
For quite a few years of my life, I gave so many shits about what people thought, about literally everything. Which led me to want to please them. I did a lot of things to make sure that others were happy, first, before myself. It seriously tears you the fuck down because at some point, you run out of the energy, and the will to give to others.
The reality is being selfish is the best way to be selfless. You have to make sure that you are taking care of your needs, living this one life you get to the absolutely fullest of your personal desires, and making sure that you are happy. Because without doing that and taking care of yourself, you aren't able to even be there for others.
Here are some tips to stop people pleasing:
1. Make a conscious choice not to
If you've been doing it long enough, it can feel like something that happens automatically. However, you can make an active and conscious choice not to. Doing so, over and over, can break the habit of doing it.
2. Set some damn boundaries!
This one is hard but it's necessary. You have to communicate what you're willing and not willing to do. This may cause some to change their relationship with you. These are likely the people who were benefiting from your people pleasing.
3. Start small
Simply opting out of an event without an excuse, or even more simply, taking longer to respond to texts and calls. You are not there to be at everyone's beck and call. Of course if you want to go to an event, go. But if you're going begrudgingly because you know that it will make others happy, even if you're miserable, DO NOT GO. Don't make up an excuse, just simply say you're unable to make it
4. Get comfortable with discomfort
When you're so used to being a people pleaser, it's going to feel real uncomfortable for a while while you get the hang of not being that person anymore. Some may not like it, if they were benefiting from it. You may not like it because it will feel all sorts of strange.
In the end, letting go of the people pleasing aspect will save you so much energy, and will have an extremely positive impact on your mental health. You have to put yourself first in this world before you can take care of anyone else.